Confessions of a fat girl ..

I blogged a month or two ago about having been contacted by a detective regarding a criminal case .. For those of you who don’t remember .. I’ll catch you up a bit .. I was molested when I was 12 by my babysitter’s husband. He was charged and convicted and I had to testify .. I was called a few months ago and told that he was again charged with molestation of a child .. the detective asked me if I would be willing to testify if they needed me .. I said yes at the time .. not really believing I would be subpoened. Well. I got a call at my parent’s house at 7am this morning from the police, they are serving me with a subpoena to testify in September. This may sound ridiculous .. but I feel like pulling the covers over my head and sobbing. I know I’ll put on my big girl panties and deal with it, but for the moment .. I just feel like that scared 12 yr old girl again. The lil girl who learned too fast that not every person is good. I know that God will give me the strength I need.. and my mom and stepdad are going to be there with me at the courthouse. I know I will hold my head up high and go in there and testify.. I will look him in the eye and tell them what happened to me 18 years ago. I don’t ever want another child to go through this because of him. It’s still almost 2 months away .. but I know that it will be September before I know it. I’m trying not to focus on it, and instead focus on the other parts of my life that need attention. I’ve never been so reminded that sometimes what happens in the past doesn’t stay there.

On another note.. I’ve lost another 5 pounds! I’m very excited about it. That means I’m on track for a 10 pound loss in July.. and I think 3 pounds left? I’m not entirely sure..my brain has been focused in other areas.. I’ve been fairly good with my eating .. I’m trying to curb my late night secret snacks .. And it’s getting better .. one step at a time .. this is just a short note.. wanted to check in with my buddies I hope you’re all doing well.. I’m going to get caught up on blogs. Have to work tonight..11-7 and then tomorrow is my mama’s birthday .. so we’re going out for dinner .. I have given myself permission to have a dessert..but truthfully I’m afraid because I’m afraid I’ll gain a couple pounds..lol. Kinda silly I know.

Worked nights last night .. and today had about 4-5 hours sleep .. when I woke up .. went to the grocery store .. for some reason when I don’t sleep enough I crave junk food .. Really terribly. Like think about it as I’m drinking my water .. work myself up until I have to have it … so I get to the grocery store and notice they have a sale on ice cream ..-lucky me- .. and  not only is it ice cream .. but it’s the rolo, turtles, kit kat.. etc .. my favourite. .(the more fattening the better..) I take a peek at the nutrition information .. as if I have to bother.. and notice it’s 160-170 calories per 1/2 cup .. the rational side of my brain (not the fat side) says .. “Jen .. do you really think you’ll stop at 1/2 cup? Just put it down” .. the other side of my brain was saying ..”Oh come on .. you know how much.. you love it.. crave it … just a little bit..” .. for a minute I felt like I had the angel and the devil on each shoulder .. but ultimately the angel won out .. I put it down .. and thought to myself. .this is what got you here in the first place .. if you have it in the freezer.. you will eat it .. copious amounts and then you’ll hate yourself for caving .. it’s a vicious circle .. and it takes a lot of willpower.. but it’s one choice at a time .. I keep telling myself that. One moment .. don’t borrow trouble by thinking about all the other choices.. it’s much too overwhelming and you’ll end up at 350 pounds in 6 months .. and I can’t. I just can’t do that to myself. I am worth too much to let myself continue to live this life. I deserve better. I am not going down.. not without a hell of a fight. The ice cream will always be there .. so will the cookies .. and the cakes .. and the pies .. etc .. but it’s choice by choice.. and I choose to be healthy.

Jen -1 Ice cream - 0

Thank you to my buddies who responded and who are keeping me in their prayers, I appreciate all the support

 I went to the doctor today .. and they administered a skin second test .. have to get it read Sat. It’s starting to rise a little bit and is a little pink, but that’s fairly normal for the first few hours .. All I can really do is wait and hope that it’s not a TB infection .. there are antibiotics to treat it.. but you have to use them for 6-12 months in order to kill the bacteria.. it’s funny that I’ve never given it a second thought all of those times I had to get a TB skin test .. but once I started researching, I realized how easy it is to contract. TB is spread by respiratory droplets by someone who has TB disease .. generally it takes a prolonged exposure in order to breathe in the droplets and for the bacteria to multiple in your body .. but you never know where you could catch it. If you have TB infection you are not contagious, that was my other concern. If I have the infection, I would be horrified if I had been giving it to other people and not knowing. It shows how important it is to get regular checkups done. Although, mostly TB skin tests are administered to healthcare workers.

On the diet front, I’m not doing terribly. I’ve lost another 2 pounds, which is great.. it puts me at 14 lost! The only problem is that when I’m not working, I tend not to lose so quickly, because I’m not up and racing around like a madwoman however, one day at a time

Hope this finds my buddies safe and happy and healthy Have a great 4th of July, and put down that cookie. It really won’t make you any happier.

Last week had to get a TB skin test done for school .. my nurse practitioner administered the test.. after which I was bruised.. which has never happened before and now .. I have a bruise and beside it the skin is slightly red and a little raised.. it’s very small around .. not even the size of a dime .. but enough that now I’m terrified I have TB. Tonight, while thinking about it .. I ate 5 cookies. That’s not good. Not good if I have Tb and not good to be eating a bunch of cookies..-even if they are the peak freans bran crunch .. lifestyles .. five is not the serving size.. anyhow .. I’m terrified that I have TB .. but I know that one third of the world’s population has it .. and if I have it .. I just have to take the antibiotics and pray I don’t get TB disease. The skin went pink several days after she gave me the injection..and I looked up pictures and it looks nothing like the pics online .. the problem is I wasn’t able to see her with 72 hours so I couldn’t get it read.. and I am terrified that if I have TB it means I can’t be a nurse.. even though that’s not true .. I’d just have to be very careful and report my TB status to my employer..but it might be harder to get a job .. I feel very down.. even though there’s nothing I can do about it right now other than pray.

I’ve decided I’m going to start setting daily, weekly and monthly goals. I read it in another BS’s blog and thought it was a great idea. It’s a good way to keep myself motivated. Since it’s the 1st (Happy Birthday Canada, eh) .. I’m going to start today

Goals for July:

Daily Goal for the 2nd: Drink at least 2.5 litres of water. Snack healthy and minimally (no more cupcakes). Walk for at least 30 mins.

Weekly Goal: Lose 2-3 pounds this week. Snack healthy, stay positive. Moment by moment .. breathe in.. breathe out. Walk at least 30 mins a day x6 days.

Goals for July:Lose 10 pounds. Take every day moment to moment. Pass my driver’s license road test. lol. (this may take divine intervention).

I forgot to rant about this in my last blog post, then decided it deserved it’s own post . .

Went on old navy’s website today .. was looking for t-shirts for my mom .. she likes their white classic tees and I was going to order some for her upcoming birthday .. anyhow ..I noticed they have changed their plus-sized collection.. used to be offered in select stores and now it is offered.. “exclusively online” .. how kind of old navy to decide that plus-sized women would rather shop in their own homes exclusively instead of having to trudge into the store to look at and try on clothing .. goodness knows we don’t want to be seen in public. I was fuming about that, but decided to look through their 50% off sale stuff .. found some yoga pants on sale and decided I wanted to order them .. then found out they don’t ship to Canada .. not only am I now relegated to my home to buy from old navy but I cannot even order anything .. guess I am exclusively out of luck. I would understand the no shipping to Canada if they didn’t have any stores here..but they do .. a tonne of them.. so I then called the two old navy stores in my general area to inquire about yoga pants ..they didn’t have any in xl or xxl … and then asked if I could have the plus sized pants shipped to that store..oh no .. as the salesgirl told me..plus sized is exclusively online. I felt like telling her where she could stick it .. exclusively.

Ugh. Went to work today .. and ate THREE cupcakes. They were the mini ones, but still three. The old me wouldn’t have blogged about it .. but the new me is trying to be accountable. I have no idea how many calories are in each one .. but I had more than I should have. They were beckoning to me from the counter .. -eat me Jen .. you know you want to .. our frosting tastes as good as you think  it does … - So .. I had one .. and it was soooooo good. So I thought..well it’s just a mini one .. might as well know I’ve had something and I ate another… then I thought ..well I had two..might as well have just one more. That kind of thinking got me to 300 pounds. I look at myself in the mirror and I still can’t believe it’s me. I feel like I’ve been in a fog and I just came out of it..but I’m glad I did. I’m learning not to beat myself up over it .. it was one slip-up .. I’m not perfect .. I wasn’t created to be perfect..

Other than the cupcakes .. I did fairly well.. drank water till I thought I couldn’t drink anymore.. and I did a lot of running around at work, so burned a lot of calories.. those pesky cupcakes for instance.

Started work this past week .. have worked Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun and am scheduled for today. I don’t mind working a lot, it keeps me focused on my lifestyle changes .. no time for me to eat my parents out of house and home I’d forgotten how much I missed working in a retirement home .. we had several things missing over the weekend .. one woman lost an earring and was sure that someone must have taken it .. yes.. a person with one ear perhaps Another man thought his undershirt was stolen .. lol. I know that one day I might be in the same position .. but I can’t help but laugh.. better laughing than crying. The girls I was working with kept telling me how good I was .. and how well I was doing .. that makes me feel good, knowing that I am fitting in .. it’s hard when you start a new job and especially if you don’t fit in with the people at your new workplace.

I got the mark back for a term project I’d completed .. I’ve taken 2 online courses this summer..to lighten the load for fall a little bit. The course I did the project for is very difficult and I was having a really hard time with the online quizzes .. not doing very well in them .. so I put a lot of time and effort into the project..and I ended up with a 27/30 .. 90% .. so I was overjoyed! Finally my hard work had paid off .. was a relief knowing that I would pass the course. Other than that excitement it’s been a quiet week .. working .. sleeping .. drinking water..lol. Canada day is tomorrow so may go to the town parade .. haven’t decided yet.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and is feeling good about themselves. I’m learning that for me I have to take it day by day .. I used to think much too much about the future .. about losing all this weight and would focus on that big chunk of weight that I needed to lose. I’m realizing that I was setting myself up for failure .. I am taking it pound by pound .. I know if I eat something that’s questionable that it’s not the end of the world .. and I’m learning that I can stop at 2 cookies

Hey Buddies

I stepped on the scale this morning, and instead of hovering close to 300, the scale was now closer to 290 It’s a good moment when you know you’ve lost some weight .. especially because I know I won’t see 300 again. That was a low point for me, and knowing that I’ve gotten past it makes me feel very encouraged about what is to come. I’ve set my goal at 10 pounds a month, and I know I can meet it. The last week I’ve been focused on getting enough water and moving more. Having not worked in healthcare for a little while due to being in school, when I started working again I knew the weight would start to come off. It feels really good when you know the work you’ve put in has paid off

Hope everyone is having a great Monday

Went to the doctor’s today .. had to get a TB skin test for school .. and got a call from the casual job I was offered .. am going in tomorrow and Friday for training!! YAY. Went shopping today to get some capri pants and polo shirts for work. They do wear scrubs usually but because of summer it’s relaxed a little bit. It’s nice to be able to wear really comfy stretchy clothes. My scrubs still fit but are a little bit more snug than they were a year ago when I last wore them. Soon they will be comfortable again! Usually I dread shopping because I’m not able to find something I really like .. especially because my parents live in a really small town .. so there isn’t much selection .. but to my surprise -and delight- found a couple of pairs of capri’s that are cute and comfortable!! I was really happy about that .. bought polo shirts .. I bought men’s because I find they tend to have more room in them. The women’s polo shirts are more form fitting and I tend to stay away from clothes that actually touch my skin. lol. I wonder if I’ll grow out of that?

 Went out for lunch today .. chose a grilled chicken sandwich .. and got the fries with it .. but had less than half and then finished my mom’s garden salad. So I felt good about that choice. That’s what it comes down to, each moment, each choice.

 I’m drinking so much water that I feel like I’m going to float away. I know it’s essential for my body, but I’ve never really liked water.. so I have to force myself to drink it. As I sit here I am forcing down another bottle. That’s five bottles today. For most people it’s not that much .. but for me that’s over 2L and that’s quite a lot. lol. I am sure that with working now I will be drinking a lot more water. I will be much more thirsty and on the move, so that will mean some pounds lost. I am looking forward to that!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!